


Before I Begin to Live- [CHEXTON series]

by bratskigirl



Category: CHEXTON-fanfiction, Chicago Med
Genre: F/M, Feelings, Love, Post-Break Up, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25375276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratskigirl/pseuds/bratskigirl
Summary: In the blink of an eye and click of a gun, Dr. Ethan Choi decided what kind of life he wanted. However, future successes are dependent upon not repeating past failures. He held back with April. He didn’t open himself to her. Therefore, Ethan, wanting the best future possible, unveils his past and waits for April’s decision about the future. Are they willing to work it out or end it once and for all?This will be a multiple chapter canon and non-canon fiction, with old and original characters.
Relationships: Ethan Choi/April Sexton
Comments: 112
Kudos: 18





	1. A Needle In the Heart

Like most scenes lately, the view before him was nothing more than blurs of colorless movement. In the last week, he hadn’t retained any images with clarity and contrast… except her. They hadn’t seen each other in almost as many days, not since he went to the hotel, but this morning was different. Ethan hadn’t noticed April when he ran in to get his bag, but as he turned to start another less than memorable day- there she was.

“Hi,” she hesitated, “I haven’t seen you much in the last few days.”  
She had noticed too apparently, he thought, but he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. However, he couldn’t deny the glimmer of joy it gave him, nor the anger the joy elicited. 

“Yeah, I’ve been doing ride alongs with the medics. Thought I’d help them out.”

“That’s nice of you. I’m sure they appreciate it.” He nodded, while they both stared amidst the deafening and awkward silence. “Well, I finished moving all of my stuff out of your apartment, so I wanted to give you back your key,” she stated extending her hand. “I know you’ll be happy to move back in.”

Choi took the key, thanking her, but couldn’t help noticing she was still wearing his engagement ring. Why was she wearing the ring? Weren’t they over? Choi’s thoughts kept swirling in his head, while his eyes committed her face to memory. “Thanks,” he paused, wanting to say so much more but just couldn’t, “I should go.” What was his problem? He was being a coward! Yet as he left, he couldn’t help but wonder if her heart mimicked the ache he felt, at the thought of them being over. 

Suddenly, the sound of his name being repeated brought him out of his mental twirl-a-whirl. “Ethan, you there?” The doctor knew he had to concentrate- patients needed him to be there, not reliving his heart-wrenching meeting this morning.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. What’s up?” he answered.

“Do you think Kourtney should dye her hair?” Lisa asked. 

Why would she think he’d even have an opinion? She wasn’t his girlfriend. “If she wants to,” he replied, unsure of the response. His answer seemed to remind the ladies he was just a guy. Mild laughter rang only for a minute, before another call took precedent.

When they arrived on site, the severity of the call was not exaggerated. Hostages being held in a convenient store was bad enough, but one was a 9-year old boy who’d been shot in the stomach. Ethan began to run through the kid’s probability of survival, and it wasn’t good- too many things could go wrong. Yet, SWAT hadn’t arrived and they were just supposed to ‘hold the perimeter’? NO. Choi wasn’t going to let some kid die, especially when he could fix the situation. He may have been afraid to face April, but not death, and this kid needed THAT Ethan at the moment.

“Don’t shoot!” Ethan yelled into the store. “I’m a doctor! Don’t shoot!” He entered the store slowly, attempting to assess the situation. But just as he sees the injured child and moves to treat him, he hears it.

The click echoed inside his head, as if he was standing directly in front of a concert speaker. “Don’t move. Get on your knees!” Slowly the doctor lowered himself before the gunman, while contemplating past life decisions flashing before his mind. His life had been plagued with regrets and missed opportunities. And now, unfortunately for him, the chance to correct any of them would be gone with his final breath. So, as he resigned his will and asked the universe to care for his loved ones, Ethan took a deep breath and meditated- not wanting to freeze up while he anticipated the shot. His last breath WOULD be peaceful.  
But the shot never came. 

The young man behind the gun was overwhelmed and afraid, but didn’t really want to hurt anyone. He just wanted to take back what he’d done and start over. “Man, I’ve screwed up so many times in my life… it’s like I never do the right thing.”

“I know how that feels,” Ethan agreed.

“What d’ya mean?” he asked.

Ethan could relate, as he had many things, he wished he could redo at that moment, so he answered honestly. “I blew it with someone I care about. Made some big mistakes, wish I could do it over.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Choi had him talking, so he tried to diffuse things further. “Maybe if you give yourself up now, we’ll both get a chance to do the right thing.” And surprisingly the young man complied.

“Ok. I’ll turn myself in.”

As he emerged from the store, once again it was the calling of his name that drew his attention. However, this time it only required being called once. He knew her voice like his own. “Ethan!”

“April?” He was relieved to have her in his arms again, squeezing her close just so he knew it was real.

“When I saw SWAT go into that building,” she paused holding back tears, trying to catch her breath, “I’ve never been more scared.”

“I, uh,” Ethan tried to express his feelings, but before he could find the right words, he was requested to give a witness statement. Although he desired to begin making things right immediately, he was trepidatious at the possible rejection. However, the way they couldn’t look away from each other as he was being pulled away, made him think he wouldn’t have to worry about it much. She seemed to long for him as much as he did her. Now all he had to do was take the first step.

Once freed, Ethan realized each of them had been given another chance. The little boy was getting treatment, the gunman wasn’t killed, and what he thought was his last breath, was actually the beginning breath of the life he wanted to live. It was obvious time waited for no one, and he wasn’t going to miss another chance to have the life he always desired.  
Maggie was the first face he saw when he walked into the ED. “Dr. Choi!” she exclaimed as she hugged him tightly, “I’m so glad you’re ok.”

“Yeah, thanks Maggs. We’re all good.” Nurse Maggie was about to say something else, but he was on a mission. “Maggs, did April come back here? She was at the store when I came out, but I was pulled away.”

Maggie dropped her head, trying not to meet his eyes. “Uh, yeah she stopped back in, but didn’t stay long.”

“Oh ok. I guess I’ll see her tomorrow,” Ethan replied turning to walk away. But when she grabbed his arm, he turned to see a pained look upon her face. “What? What is it Maggie?”

She took a deep breath. “Ethan, April’s not coming back to the ED.” Choi’s face must have registered his confusion. “One of Dr. Latham’s nurses is retiring and he needed someone to begin training right away. He thought with her experience and what she’d learned recently while covering for me in the hybrid OR, she’d be a good fit.” Ethan just nodded and Maggie could see he thought this was about being with Crockett. “She thought it’d be a good way to learn and gain more experience, without the pressures of, ugh, “ she stammered. 

“What pressure? Me? Or Crockett?” It hurt she wanted to get away from him so bad, she transferred to another department, but it angered him that she lied. She did have feelings for Marcel! Why else would she go to HIS department? 

Maggie could see the fanning anger in his eyes. “The pressure of seeing you, but not being with you. She thought it’d be better for you to do your job, without worrying about seeing her or her having to work with Crockett. You need to focus. So, she took herself out of the equation.”

“Maggs, how’s that gonna work? She’s going to his department!” Ethan snapped back.

“Cool it,” she stated emphatically. “First of all, she’s going to be Dr. Latham’s nurse, which means she only scrubs in on his surgeries. She’d only work with other docs in emergencies. Secondly, Goodwin forced Dr. Marcel to either take Dr. Rhodes job permanently, or go back to C/T- she needed to fill it to keep it. And he took it. Marcel is no longer assigned to C/T, so she won’t be working with him- which is another reason why April took the position.” Surprise shown all over his face. “April gave her notice today, but I’d been preparing once she told me she was planning to leave the ED, earlier this week. She begins training with them tonight.”

Ethan couldn’t feel the air in his lungs. She’d left to help him do his job… to make it easier for him. Now he felt bad for assuming she was leaving to be closer to Crockett. “Maggie, she didn’t have to do that. I want her here. I work best with her here.”

“Well, you need to find a new normal, because she’s not planning to come back.” Maggie could tell he was desponded by this revelation. “Hey,” she replied gently touching his arm, “it’s just the new normal for work. You can always create a different one outside of the hospital.” And with a little smirk she turned and went back to her duties.

Maggie was right. Her transfer changed their work life, but Ethan was encouraged because it could give them the opportunity to change their personal lives as well… for the better. But before he could begin to live again, he needed to tell her about the past life that brought him to this point. Not just the good, but the bad, ugly, and regrettable too. However, knowing he doesn’t express his feelings well, he opted to write her a letter. 

“Here. A cup of green tea will give you just enough boost, without making it difficult for you to sleep this morning,” the doctor suggested. April’s first night in C/T was chocked full of yawns and nods. She was normally fine to cover a night shift in the ED, but she always had time to prepare. But today, when she would have been home resting for the later shift, she was camped out at a hostage scene waiting to see if Ethan would make it out alive. Even after she knew he was ok, memories of Ethan kept running through her mind, especially when he almost died. The hours put on wings today and just when she was ready to rest, she had to report to C/T.

“Thanks Connor, I need it,” she responded taking the tea. “I’m so happy you’re back. You know, though Dr. Latham is brilliant, he isn’t the one to keep me focused when I’m sleepy. You kept me interested and engaged, and didn’t let me make a terrible impression on my first day. So, Thanks.” Her gratitude was genuine, despite her weak smile.

“No worries. I’m happy to have a familiar face around, though I’m sure Ethan and the ED are missing you a lot.”

And with the mentioning of his name, winding down was no longer an option. “Well, I’m gonna go ahead and go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Connor patted her shoulder hesitantly, as she left with a wave.

“See you tomorrow night.” 

He was surprised his key still worked, but it made him somewhat happy. Then again, he hadn’t changed his locks either, but he’d gotten his key back. Ethan decided she must have forgotten he had a key, and once again his glee was dashed. As he shut the door, the doctor took in the room. Not much had changed. It wasn’t as vivid in color as he remembered, but still exuded the vibrant light within her. Her space was still inviting and made you instantly feel at home, with pictures of family and friends all around. And that’s when he saw it. The picture they took when they got engaged. She’d taken it out of the frame and based on the scissors beside it, he could imagine her intentions. Ethan placed his letter beside them on the island, exiting quickly, so she didn’t find him when she got home. And as he shut the door, he let the smell of her lavender coconut lotion open his mind and heart to the morning of his new beginning, finally removing the needle of regret from his heart.

When she entered her apartment, April felt something was wrong- someone had been there. She thought she smelled Ethan’s cologne, but dismissed it until she saw the letter. The doctor’s handwriting was hard to miss. And considering he placed it beside the scissors, she could only imagine what he thought. However, the size of the envelope made her think he had a lot on his mind and much to say, so she decided to wait until after she took a shower and got some rest.  
Six hours later, while feeding a growling stomach, April summoned the courage to open the letter and hear what Ethan had to say. 

“April, I know we haven’t spoken much lately, but after everything that happened yesterday, I refused to let more time go by without ensuring you knew how I felt. I wanted to tell you this face to face, but I was pulled away. And when I got back to Med, Maggie said you’d resigned, so this was my only option.  
Today, when I heard the gun click, I regretted not telling you how I felt. It was then I remembered a promise I made to myself to not live with regrets, and I failed. Today, I’m keeping my word. The truth is I love you. I do. I love you more than I ever thought I could, and that scares me. But I won’t let fear rule my life any more. I’m going to tell you everything, all the things you ask about and I shy away from… everything. And once I’m done, you’ll have a decision to make. So, let’s begin.”


	2. The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan’s life before April was no cake-walk, but they formed who he was. His examples were beneficial, because they informed what he wanted in his relationship and in his partner. Each person made an impression- all playing a significant role in his life and ultimately affects how he loves. The question is which example will he follow?

“When I was 5 years old, my life changed. My mom had just told me I was going to be a big brother and I was super excited. My dad and I would watch her belly get bigger and bigger, while taking turns listening to it. But then my mom fell preparing the nursery, while my dad was away, and I was no longer a big brother. It was so hard for me to really understand what was happening at that age. All I knew was my mom was sad, crying all the time, and I couldn’t do anything to help her. Her parents, Sarah and Vincent, came and we packed away the baby clothes, crib, and repainted the room. After a couple of weeks, my mom didn’t cry as much. Although, I could hear her crying in the middle of the night, she started to smile and laugh again. Well, at least until my dad returned. You could tell he was angry, but I felt like he was mad at her, as if he blamed her. On the 3rd night after his return, he was yelling at her so loudly I ran in and stood in front of her, frightened he would hit her. He told me that men don’t cry, so I should stop being a big baby. My dad yanked me out of the way and grabbed my mom aggressively. I thought he was going to hit her or me, but before he could, Grandpa Vincent removed dad from the room. The next thing I knew, I went to live with my grandparents for almost 2 years. I don’t know what happened, but when I got back, my mom’s smile was gone and I didn’t hear her laugh again until we got Emily- 4 years later.”

April never knew he had personal experience with miscarriage. Although it was a sibling, he felt the loss and it obviously made an impression. Maybe this was why he was so intense when they started planning their family- he didn’t want history to repeat itself; trying to do everything perfectly. She’d learned something new and wanted to learn more. 

“You always wonder why I don’t talk about my family, well, my parents’ relationship was not a road map I’d wanted to follow. They never seemed to be happy together after the miscarriage. I mean they were better when Emily came, but by the time she turned 7 and was mischievous, their minimal joy was gone for good. My dad’s patience for his disobedient rambunctious daughter was waning, but it wasn’t his unhappy amenable wife who often stepped in, but rather his growing quick-tempered son. I wasn’t stupid. My father was a military leader, who never understood how to separate military life from home life. I knew, if he was pushed too far, he would hurt my sister, so I convinced my mom to let us go stay with her parents during the summers. Looking back, I realize I blamed my mom too for allowing his behavior. She had a supportive family and help, but she chose to stay. Me, on the other hand, I made up my mind to leave as soon as I could. My grandparents’ relationship was much different from my parents. They were warm and affectionate, much like yours. But after my grandma died, and then my granddad a few months later when I was 16, I guess I just resigned myself to believe love like that was like a shooting star- rarely seen and always wished for.” She’d never known this poetic side of Ethan. April could also understand why he was so protective of Emily- he’d been doing it since he was a teenager.

“My senior year in high school, was a turning point. Though my dad was military, I went to public school and I met Jessica. She was a transfer student, beautiful inside and out. We had science together and instantly hit it off. After a few months of being friends, we started dating and I was head over heels. I honestly thought she was too, but apparently, I was wrong. Jessica wanted to fit in, so when her dad decided he didn’t want her dating an Asian guy, or someone not white, she broke up with me. She chose to be accepted and not to fight for me, just like my mother, so I decided I wouldn’t let that ever happen again. I’d just have to fight for myself. I graduated and went to college, much to my dad’s chagrin. He wanted me to serve as he had, but I had other plans. I wanted to be a doctor. So, I focused, not allowing any distractions, except for the occasional hookup. Then one day, a corpsman, Banks, gave a lecture to my class, and I was hooked. He was a great mentor and better example.”

“When I enlisted, my dad acted as if I did it for him. He was a Navy fighter pilot, but I didn’t want to be like him. Banks was the reason I enlisted in the Navy and became a medic. And it’s where I met my first love- Cicely. Cicely Townsend was remarkable in every way. She was smart and opinionated; strong, but gentle; shy, yet never met a stranger. Her mom had named her after, Cicely Tyson, and my ‘Cice’ carried herself in a similar regal and graceful manner. But people didn’t just like her for her beauty- she was respected because she didn’t take any mess off anyone, especially the guys. I’d seen her around the ship, but the first time I really noticed her was one day working out. Several sailors were in the gym, but Cice was the only woman in the room. Some guys made indecent gestures. Others insinuated she didn’t belong, saying she was accepted because of affirmative action. One sailor got in her face saying she was only there as ‘entertainment’ for the guys- her job to keep them happy. But before I could get to the jerk, Cice drop-kicked him and broke his nose. The entire room erupted in cheers and laughter, while Simmons (the jerk) suffered in pain. Then she told him, ‘Well it looks like I’ve done my job for the day,’ stepping over him and walking out.”

“Later that week, she passed me on board. ‘Choi, you should smile more,’ she said with a coy grin. ‘I saw you laugh when I beat up Simmons. A smile suits you… shows off those pretty dimples.’ And with a wink she smiled, turned the corner, and instantly had me hooked. After that we were inseparable, even though our designations were different. Morning and night, even port times, we’d be with each other. Three months in, on our first leave, I took her home to meet my family. When we arrived, my dad was thrilled she was Navy; my mom kept saying she was so beautiful; and Emily got along with her like a little sister. I was so happy things were going well, until my dad crossed the line.  
“Cicely is obviously a good soldier, but she isn’t good enough to be your wife… not my daughter in-law.” My mouth just dropped open in shock. “What? She too   
opinionated and too b…”

“Dad if you say ‘black’, we’re gonna have a problem.”

“No, not black. I don’t care about her color. Honestly she’s gorgeous- too pretty for you.” I started to calm down, but then he continued. “She’s too bossy! She   
doesn’t know her place and that’s going to be an issue later. You need to have a woman who understands she’s supposed to support you, not tell you what to   
do.” I tried to tell him I like a woman with a brain and I respect her opinion. He told me I was weak; which may be good since she was such a bitch. I slammed   
my father against the wall and as I was about to hit him, Cice was between us bringing me back from the edge. Everything had happened so quick, but in a   
matter of seconds, she kept me from doing something I probably would’ve regretted later. The Chief was surprised by my actions, but more so by her response.

“Chief Choi, I appreciate your hospitality these last couple of days. However, I need to get back to the ship early, so I’ll be leaving tonight. And though I may not   
be what you envisioned for your son, please know that I’ve grown to respect and admire him greatly. Ethan’s moral code, intelligence, and strength of character   
are valuable to me and the Navy. And whether you approve or not, I love your son, and I hope you can at least respect that.” She nodded, touched my hand, and   
walked away. 

Needless to say, I followed and didn’t look back. I kept in touch with my mom and Emily, more by letters and a few calls, but I didn’t speak to my father for a long while afterwards. At the hotel that night, I told her I loved her as well, and for the first time in my life, I felt loved and whole. I finally had a relationship with someone who loved me as much as I loved them. She challenged and pushed me to be better, all the while being supportive.”

“Next leave, we spent it with her family. They were close and affectionate, much like your family; although not as big. I was welcomed with open arms and treated like a member of the clan immediately. Her grandma, GiGi, kept saying if she was 25 years younger, she’d marry me and have some pretty dimpled babies. Her father was retired Army, so he understood military life, but based upon her mom, he obviously chose an equally intelligent and strong wife. They were a team and it was clear as to where Cice’s relationship views came from. Her parents were the ideal partnership- strong individuals choosing to come together to make a stronger team. It was my second glimpse at how a marriage could be and it gave me hope. So, while I was there, I asked her parents their permission to propose. I hadn’t decided when I would do it, but I wanted to make sure they were in agreement. They both gave their blessing and I was elated to know I would be a part of their family.”

“A couple of weeks after leave, I was making my plan to propose, and we both got orders for Iraq. Though stationed on the same base, we had different duties, so we didn’t see each other that much. We made time when we could, but one day my unit was called out to assist a team pinned down and hit by an IED. It was Cicely’s team and Cice was hurt. She died in my arms.”  
April gasped, finally understanding why Ethan had been so consumed when she was shot and pinned under the car. He’d already experienced losing someone he loved so profoundly. If he had to do it again, it probably would’ve broken him. She continued reading.

“Once she was gone, I was lost. Fortunately, I had a commanding officer who knew about our relationship and helped me focus while we were deployed. Once we returned, I wasn’t sure how to be. I was afraid to contact her parents, but they were gracious. Her dad even told me it gave him comfort she died with the man she loved, doing what she loved- serving this country. I still call them on her birthday. Ironically, after a few years, her mother asked me if I was dating or liked someone. 

“Ethan, you know Cice would want you to live. She’d tell you ‘Don’t waste time’” and we both chuckled hearing Cice’s voice. Mrs. T was right. “So, what’s her   
name?” 

“Who?”

“The woman whose caught your attention? I know there’s someone.” I couldn’t lie to her.

“Her name is April. She’s a nurse in the hospital I landed at. She’s beautiful, opinionated, and strong, but so loving and warm. She reminds me of Cice… not that   
I’m comparing, but you know.”

“It sounds like they would’ve been friends and more importantly, it sounds like she’s someone you could love. That’s what my daughter would’ve wanted- you in   
a loving partnership.”

April, there was something about you that awakened parts of me that I buried with Cice. I didn’t want to risk knowing the possibility of that pain again, but it was also a time when I felt the most alive. So, I decided to make my own luck and see if I would be granted another opportunity to experience that kind of love again. Unfortunately, my luck didn’t change immediately after Cice; to which Lynn and Vicki can attest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relationships inside and out of the family can affect what our relationships look like. Hopefully they can implement the good examples and eliminate the bad.


	3. Transitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the death of his great love, Ethan faced his life with reckless abandon, until his sister showed up. Mr. Robot’s life seemed real, but continued exposure to life’s joy and pain, revealed how inhuman he had become. Unfortunately, the “sleeping angel” broke the flood gates of emotion and he knew he had to move forward. But how would he do that… and with whom? Meanwhile, Ethan’s honest revelations, intended to give April a rare view into all of him, has been creating more questions for April. Was she what he wanted? Or was she just a replacement love?

April was confounded by Cicely and Ethan’s love for her. He didn’t have to say more than he did, for her to know how much she meant to him. Her love helped shape him… changed him… opened him to the possibilities of life. And her death essentially covered every surface she had broken through. The nurse realized she’d never had a love like that, before Ethan. She had loved a couple of men in her life, and dated more than a few. But her love for Ethan was the only one so deep it changed her, with the exception of the baby she lost. Yet she was not the doctor’s first or deepest love, as he was hers, so April wondered what did that mean about his feelings for her. Ethan had told her “he wasn’t what she wanted”, but she had to wonder was he just deflecting the fact she wasn’t what he wanted. She knew he wasn’t a liar, so she believed, HE BELIEVED, he loved her, but now that she knew about Cicely, April couldn’t help but wonder if he realized he was just looking for a replacement. 

“April,” she told herself, “this is not about you. Choose to honor his efforts to share and keep reading.” Once the pep talks registered, she continued.

“The remaining months after Cicely died could only be characterized as an era of numbness. I did all I could to save, revive, and heal our soldiers, no matter the cost. I’d push myself to go the extra mile, including endangering myself so many times I lost count; however, I never allowed myself to invest in the emotions behind the accompanying dangers. Fear, pain, sorrow- I turned all emotion off. I was a robot and the only thing that mattered was the mission. Unfortunately, for the first few months stateside, I was still that unfeeling robot. Then Emily came to visit me in California and called me out on it. Once she mentioned it, I tried to remember something Cicely told me- ‘When we’re away, we fight to get back to those we love. And when we’re home, we fight to show them the love we have.’ Though I never allowed my heart opened as it had been for Cicely, my love for my little sister was undeniable. And I had to keep my last promise to Cice, so I fought to love and live.  
I was stationed in California about 4 months when I met Lynn. It was a movie style, random romantic meeting, in a coffee shop of all places. In a hurry to get to work, she spun around and spilled her coffee on me. She was so apologetic and took my info to pay for my dry cleaning. I, of course told her it wasn’t necessary, but she insisted. I continued to reject her offer to reimburse me for my cleaning, so she insisted I allow her to take me to dinner. She had to be accountable for her mistake, so she needed to do something. Honestly, I found her insistence familiar, because I would’ve done the same. So I agreed.

During dinner I discovered we didn’t have many things in common. Lynn was a paralegal for a local law firm, who dreamed of being Atticus Finch, but not the drive to achieve it. She enjoyed making lotions, scrapbooking, and cooking. I know, not someone most would see me with, but she enjoyed running and rock climbing. Lynn also had a laugh that was contagious enough to make me laugh, and that was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in close to a year. After our first dinner, I asked her out again, and she accepted. She was a fun distraction, for the first few months, but then I grew to appreciate having someone around who was nothing like me and totally opposite of Cicely. However, over time, as I listened to her speak about her dreams and aspirations, I would continually encourage her to push herself. I started helping her prepare for the Bar exam. I encouraged her to run a marathon. In all things, I encouraged her to strive higher. Now that I look back, though we were together a total of about 9 months, she had stopped smiling like she did when we first met, around month 4.   
I thought I had stopped being the robot, but it seems I was a robot brain, artificial heart, in a human body with a soul. I needed a mission, and she became mine; which was the reason she gave for cheating on me the last 2 months of our relationship. She said my constant pushing felt more like I thought of her as a project, not a girlfriend. According to her, I was secretive, as I wouldn’t share my nightmares with her and it made her feel like I didn’t trust her. My ‘encouragement’ made her feel like I was trying to make her into someone else; which apparently was Cicely, because she said I called her that name when I was encouraging her to try to go up a rock wall faster. I knew she wasn’t lying because I never shared my past with Cice. She said, she felt too much pressure to be with me, and after months of trying to get me to hear her, she chose to spend time with someone who saw and accepted her- not the foundation of what he wanted her to be. She had one regret, not being strong enough to tell me she was unhappy, before starting something with another man. And with an indifferent goodbye, Lynn thanked me for showing her what she did not want in a relationship. She wished I find what I was searching for, although she warned no woman would be Cicely, so I needed to decide if I wanted to have a life in the future or relive my past life in my mind.”

Once again, April couldn’t help the pang in her gut. She could understand Lynn’s perspective, but Ethan hadn’t really been that way with her, except about the baby. He was in a bad place when he was with Lynn, but he was better when he was with her, so she could understand how her kiss with Crockett was so much more hurtful. He thought he was healed and chose to love again, yet this woman cheated on him too. April knew it wasn’t about him, but one thing she needed to do was make sure he knew that, no matter what. Sipping her tea and preparing dinner, the nurse continued.

“So, here I was, trying to be a real boy, and finding out I wasn’t fit for a relationship. Fortunately, orders came in and I didn’t have to be a real person- I could just be a soldier, and that’s what I did. I lost many friends and patients in Afghanistan, but the worst of those 15 months was the little girl I call ‘Sleeping Angel’. April, I know I told you I would tell you why those were the words I would cry out in my sleep, but I never did. You were right. ‘Sleeping Angel’ was a little girl who arrived at our station in her mother’s arms. The woman had walked for miles to bring her daughter to us to make her well, but the little girl looked pristine. She was like a sleeping doll, not even a scratch on her, yet she was dead. Her insides had been pulverized by the waves of one of our bombs and her mother wouldn’t accept it. Seeing this beautiful little girl, I could instantly imagine her laughing and skipping; enjoying life and making it better for everyone around her. Her little face tore open every hidden vault within me and I was once again broken. All the emotions came rushing back. It was then I decided to leave active duty and only serve when no one else was left. I needed to find a way to make others’ lives better- not worry about mine. It just so happens I was assigned one of the country’s domestic war zones- Chicago.

After acclimating to life with non-soldiers, I found myself not as hard (though some wouldn’t agree) and more willing to just be. Its then that I met a beautiful woman named Dr. Vicki Glass. Vicki was a feminine version of me. She was spirited and knowledgeable; strong and opinionated; accomplished and military. She understood, without me having to explain, the pull and mindset that comes along with being a soldier, but I wouldn’t even share things with her. Though we were alike, I chose to keep my secret pains and hurts to myself. Not sure I can explain why, but I just didn’t. I would evade her questions and probes, deflecting to other topics and she would go along. But Vicki also knew the importance of placing service over a relationship, so the first time, we ended things when she was deployed overseas. To my good fortune, while she was gone, you and I became friends and grew closer. I was impressed and intrigued by this intelligent nurse, who seemed to be a loving safe space for almost everyone. You made me not miss the comfortability of Vicki, and explore parts of myself I hadn’t in years. But I guess fate had different plans.”

Doris’s statement of April not being able to compete with Vicki, echoed in her head. Though she didn’t want to believe it, once again she questioned whether she was a space filler for Ethan or did he really want her.

“When I woke to find Vicki at my bedside, I was surprised. I honestly thought it would’ve been you. I know we’d been through some difficult times, but I thought we still cared for each other. But then to see you weren’t there, I was hurt. Although I tried to reason that you were doing what we’re obligated to do, take care of others, I was hurt I wasn’t important enough for you to fight for me. So, though I wasn’t sure Vicki was my life changing love, I knew we were good together and it was easy to be with her. Vicki was a good woman, who could add to anyone’s life, but she was always insecure about you. She saw firsthand how fighting with you and not being friends was affecting me. Vicki never said anything specific, but I believe what she observed was why, she knew you were the reason I couldn’t meet her parents. After that night, I took some time to consider why I couldn’t make it work with someone who seemed perfectly fit for me. It just didn’t make sense. Then I got a random call that changed everything. 

Mrs. Townsend said I had been on her mind for a while and she wanted to check on me. I swear it was like I was having a therapy session with Dr. Charles- I reluctantly spilled my guts. I told her what had happened with us and Vicki, as well as my confusion as to why I wasn’t driven to work it out with her.   
“Well Ethan, sometimes you have to decide whether you want a good life or your best life. It sounds like this Vicki was compatible to your life and actions, but maybe not your desires.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when you speak about her, she seems like your ‘on-paper’ match, right. She’s military, smart, strong, beautiful, a doctor, etc. She’d understand things without you having to explain, yet you   
didn’t share with her. She was a woman you could make a good life with, but not one that made you excited to be alive.” I couldn’t do anything but agree… she was correct. “When you decide to   
have your best life, you don’t want someone who matches you. You want someone who complements you. They’re strong where you’re weak, so your partnership is stronger as a whole. That’s what   
has kept my husband and I together through years of ups and downs. Though we don’t always see eye to eye, we both learn and grow, when we work together. I want to be the best person for who   
he is and a fitting match of who he’ll become. He makes me strive to be my best and he does the same. So, which woman makes you want to be the best version of you?”

I knew the second she asked. “April. I want to be more… to be whole… better for her and our future.” 

Mrs. T chuckled softly. “Well I hope one day to be able to meet her.”

April, I wrote you this letter, because I didn’t want to live with regret any longer. I needed you to know how I got to this place in my life and why I am the way I am. I wanted you to know all of me and I needed you to know how I truly felt about you. I love you and I want to be with you, but only if you want me too. Your actions make me wonder if you really want to be with me.   
Knowing you kissed Crockett, imaging his lips on yours, hurts me in ways I can’t put into words. I believe you when you say nothing else happened, but can you understand why it’s HARD to believe? I know how irresistible you are, so I can imagine how difficult it is for him to not be with you. But maybe you want to be with him. That’s one of my questions.   
Do you want to be with him? Or anyone at all? But most importantly, do you love me? Do you want me? Do you see us making a life together?   
I need to know why things happened and how you feel, if we have any shot of getting past this. I’d would like to sit and talk this out, maybe over dinner, sometime this week, if you want to try to work through it. If not, then I’ll take your refusal as the answer to all my questions and cherish what was and move on. I’ll be awaiting your decision.  
Love, Ethan.” 

April wiped the tear from her cheek. He still loved her, but she hurt him and she knew that wasn’t going to be easy to get over, if ever. She owed him a decision and the truth, but right now she had to get ready for work.

When Ethan arrived in C/T, he ran into Connor but not April. He’d just missed her and his shift was starting. Ethan consulted the night shift and reviewed charts, while he waited for a new emergency.   
“Dr. Choi, can you come here a minute?” Maggie asked. Ethan joined her to find April in the lounge.

“Hi,” she replied, greeting him with a tired smile. He could see from her eyes she was tired, but he was so happy she chose to wait around for him. “I know you have to start your day, and I’m so tired,” she giggled. “Anyway, I wanted to give you these and answer one of your questions.” In her hands were a ring box and a letter addressed to him.

Ethan’s heart dropped at the sight of the box. “April, uh…,” he stuttered, “can we talk abou…”, he started but was interrupted. 

“Ethan, I would love to have dinner to talk things over,” she paused and then looked squarely at him. “I want to talk, but I have my first surgery, so this week isn’t good. How’s Sunday? Maybe a late brunch?” The doctor was still stunned at the ring box being handed to him. Noticing the shocked expression, trying to hide his hurt, April attempted to explain. “Ethan? Listen to me. Look at me.” Ethan obeyed. “About the ring, I don’t deserve it right now. I would love to keep it, but depending on our conversation, I didn’t want it to be harder to return, if you decide there’s no way forward.” She slowly kissed his cheek, lingering longer than a peck, and then stepped away. “Let me know about Sunday, ok?” she asked as she headed out the door.

“Sunday’s good. Lullaby’s at 1?”

“Sounds great,” she answered as a few curls escaped her bun and she exited with a wave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make sure we could see April's reactions throughout her read and understand her thoughts and fears.  
> But maybe a conversation, honest and raw, can finally begin to heal something in both of their lives.   
> I hope you enjoy... because her response and their talk, will bring about some much needed closure- or so I hope.


	4. Who Am I to You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan had revealed himself in great detail, yet there were questions. Not just the ones he wanted answered, but the ones his confessions created. April understood him better, and she wanted him to know her just as well. But she wasn’t sure where she fit into his life or if she even could anymore. Would his view of her change? Would he ever be able to love her again? No matter what, she knew her life needed him, and the only way to ensure that was even an option, she’d have to make her own confessions. And then the only question left would be- Who she would be to him… NOW. 
> 
> Be prepared the chapter is a little long, but informative.

The paper was wrinkled and worn down so much so, no one would know it was only 3 days old. He’d read it more than once, but no matter how many times he did, Ethan couldn’t decide if it meant the beginning of a future or the end of a past. April had given back the ring, but as she explained, it didn’t represent her feelings.

“Ethan, I want to thank you for being courageous enough to share your past (good and bad) with me and trusting me with it. I’m sure it was uncomfortable, but it gave me some insight into who you are and helps me understand you better. Now, I want to be brave too. I’ll answer your questions, but I want you to HEAR me answer them face to face. However, I’m working my first surgery this week, so maybe we can get together this weekend or maybe Sunday. Either way, I’ll answer all your questions then, except these two. First, I DO NOT want Crockett. I never have. Second, I DO love you and I DO want you, but the question on the table is if that’s enough. Just so you know, I’m willing to see if it can be. I’m giving you back the ring, because it doesn’t seem right for me to keep wearing it while we’re figuring out if we have a future. However, if we decide to make it work, I want to know it was your choice- not obligation because I still had it. Now, before you let your mind go there, I WANT to have the ring, but only when you feel you can trust me with it. Not before. Although I’m not able to meet when you wanted, I hope you’ll still be willing to meet at another time. I love you. April.” 

Ethan folded the letter, “223 now,” he thought, tucking it in his pocket and starting his day.

The week had flown by. What had been 6 days of separation since their last meeting, was now reduced to the time it took to cross a parking lot. April was nervous. Did she look OK? Was she overdressed? Was she trying too hard? Did he show up? Too many thoughts to quiet down on her own. But as she was being led to their favorite table and he stood when he saw her, things went silent. His smile gave her peace and she knew he’d be in her life forever, even if it was only as a friend.   
“Hi,” she smiled, surprised her voice was barely a whisper.

“Hi,” he responded, gently pulling out her chair. “You look beautiful.” And she did. Ethan always thought she was beautiful, even in scrubs, but today she took his breath away. The emerald dress illuminated the glow of her bronze skin, but her upswept hair, exposing her neck and shoulders, took the cake. 

“Thank you,” she replied. “You look beautiful too.” Immediately she realized how silly she sounded and they both laughed. “Sorry, I mean to say you look very handsome. You know how I feel about you and suits,” she reminded with a wink. The couple cracked up and somewhere amidst the laughter, the ice broke and both were made comfortable.

After they ordered and received their drinks, Ethan thought he’d get them talking… somehow. “You said you had your first surgery this week. How’d it go?” 

It did her heart good to know he remembered and he seemed generally interested. “It was good! Dr Latham said I performed well. I didn’t get excited at first, but Connor told me Dr. Latham is incapable of saying something he doesn’t believe, so his compliment was sincere,” she excitedly answered. “Connor said I did great too. It’s very exciting. I’m sure I’ll learn a lot.”

“That’s wonderful April. I’m so glad it went well.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” April paused. “How was the rest of your week? Everything ok?”

“Normal life in the ED, but at least none of my patients died.” He replied with a gentle huff.

“That’s a plus,” she giggled. She’d gone over what she’d say to him repeatedly, but as time went on, she wasn’t sure she’d still have the guts. And with a deep breath, she began. “I guess I should start.” 

“I’m listening,” Ethan replied, as he stopped eating.

“Well, as I said in my note, thank you for opening up. I’m sorry you had to go through so much, especially losing Cicely. I’ve never had to go through that myself, although I got close once. Fortunately for me, you survived. But since so much of your past helped clarify things for me, I thought I’d give you the same. Hopefully, it’ll make it easier to decide how and what you feel about me. So, like you, I’ll begin at the beginning.” She took a sip of her lemonade and began her monologue.

“I was 4 when my parents moved us to the states from Brazil. They were both engineers, but after problems with gangs, they decided to make a new life in Chicago. Papi became an electrician and mami a math teacher. Everyone says we Sextons are thick as thieves, but for the first few years here, we were all we had. You know, immigrants weren’t always welcomed by the locals, so we clung to each other. My parents were loving, but many times I felt overshadowed by Noah. Not because he was better or smarter. I was LESS, because I had the misfortune of being born female. I resented not being applauded for my achievements at home, as I was in school. My dream was to be Clair Huxtable, except I’d be the doctor,” she smiled at the memory. “Over time, I accepted my dad’s point of view would rule, but only until I was old enough to leave- so that became MY plan. Unfortunately, as my parents aged, Noah’s success became my responsibility and medical school for me… became an afterthought. If I’m honest, I never forgave myself for betraying my dreams. I was mad at me; which is why I often sound bitter when my opinion isn’t considered. Basically, rubbing salt in an old wound that never healed completely. 

Ethan hadn’t taken his eyes off of her. He was listening and taking everything in. 

“You told me you had 4 significant relationships in your life, before me, one of which was obviously an all-consuming, mountain-top, earth shattering type of love. However, I’ve only had 3 significant relationships in my life- Kelly, Tate, and Dr. Ethan Choi. But only one that could shatter my world. However, in each one, I wasn’t a perfect fit, not enough and not what they wanted.” Ethan tried to explain and respond but April waved him off. 

“Please don’t. I need to show you the same respect and be brutally honest, like you were with me,” she stated sipping more lemonade. “As you know, I met Kelly when we were in high school. I wasn’t popular like him, but he made me feel special. Kelly was supportive of my dreams, declaring I’d still be loved even if I was a doctor. He’d tell me I was beautiful, and his face said he felt that way. The summer before senior year, he came to live with my family, and I thought we were good. But when we started school, he acted as if I didn’t exist. He’d pretend he didn’t know me or would make fun of me with his friends. I wasn’t good enough to be his girl or his friend. Even on my birthday, he said he planned to take me to the Eminem concert, but never showed up or called. I felt like something was wrong with me, as if I wasn’t good enough. So, once I got my nursing degree, I moved to California. It allowed me to get away while working to help the family save for Noah’s medical school. Years later, he explained his actions were about his parents’ breakup, not me, but it was too late. The damage to my self-esteem had been done. Afterwards, I realized I didn’t connect with WHO I was anymore, so I traveled the world for the next 18 months. Once I returned to Chicago, and Med permanently, I just let whatever God wanted for me to just come. That’s when I met Tate.”

Ethan hadn’t ever really understood why April never pursued medical school nor put herself first, but now he was beginning to understand.

“I’d been conditioned to care for others, so much so, I think I subconsciously assumed I wasn’t worthy of being a priority. Then Tate gave me something I always thought I wanted- to be taken care of. However, what I found was he was willing to prioritize me, as long as I was willing to be the part of me he liked. He didn’t want the independent, strong, working woman. He wanted me to be a housewife,” April grimaced. “There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife, but it should’ve been my decision. And after seeing my mom settle, it seemed unacceptable. Yet, I was so desperate to have something, I tried it for months. I could be loved as long as I was NOT my full self. Then we got pregnant, I got TB, and lost the baby. The loss of the relationship, though sad, didn’t really phase me. But the baby….” Her eyes were watering up as she turned away from Ethan, but continued after a hard swallow.  
“You see, up until that point, I was a woman who didn’t get what she wanted. But when I found out I was pregnant, at least one part of my life was working. I had an acceptable relationship, I enjoyed my work, and now I was going to be a mom. But then that was taken away and once again just ME wasn’t good enough.” Ethan reached out and held her hand, as she smiled weakly.

“Thanks,” she whispered shaking off teary eyes. “Earlier, I told you I only had one earth shattering relationship.” April looked squarely at him and held his hand between hers. “You.” His raised eyebrows let her know this was news to him. “You didn’t know?” Ethan shook his head. “Well, you were a surprise. I thought you were the typical arrogant, pompous “doctor”; which was true some of the time. But you were also dependable, honorable, strong and your authoritative tone would send a certain shiver down my spine,” she smirked. “You weren’t intimidated and challenged me. Although you made it clear I was just a nurse, there always seemed to be respect there, and that was new for me. We became friends and eventually I fell hard for you. I could be ALL OF ME, without worrying I was doing something wrong. As a matter of fact, the day you laid into me about coddling Noah, I thought, ‘I wish I had a man like that.’”

“Really?! You basically cussed me out and told me to F- off,” he chuckled.

She had to laugh. “I know. You know how it is- I can talk about my family, you can’t. Then we got together, disagreed, argued, and fussed. Nevertheless, I always felt heard and appreciated… like you cared about what made me happy. But when you sided with Emily, I felt like I wasn’t really important to you and that hurt more than I could explain. On the other hand, we were friends, and because I loved you, I was unsuccessful in ignoring you, and once again you were a major part of my life. I realized being with you, no matter the position, was enough for me to feel like I was living my dream. It was enough! Then you almost died from cyanide exposure, and my world started to crumble. My life didn’t work without the man I loved, so I ran back into the ED, and waited by your side as long as I could. But when I came to the ICU, Vicki was there and I figured I must have been the only one who felt that way. Then you accused me of being petty, jealous, and a murderer. So, there’s that.” Ethan dropped his head in shame. “Fortunately, though, we found our way back to each other and both wanted our life together. I was encouraged watching you handle Vincent and us working as a team at home and work. I was happy and hopeful. Then I can’t get pregnant?!

Suddenly, it was like you were on a mission to ‘fix it’. Though, it felt more like you were trying to fix me. And once again I wasn’t enough just being ME. You were excited to have a baby and that became your focus. You monitored my ovulation cycle and diet, and ensured we made love at the most opportune times. I wanted to make a family with you, but trying to do so became too much. There wasn’t any air anymore in our relationship… no fun. I was terrified one morning you’d decide you wanted someone better. Would the man I love still want me if I could never give him the family he envisioned? Would he see me differently? It hurt to know being with me could very well cost you the life YOU dreamed of and the fear made me vulnerable. The uncertainty stoked all of my insecurities- not that I couldn’t be loved, but it wouldn’t seem worth your time to continue to love me.   
The strain continued to build and we weren’t connecting. Then Crockett made a pass at me. I shut it down, but if I’m honest it felt good to be wanted as a woman, not a womb. To know I was desirable, just as I was… I’m ashamed to say I needed it. Then Dr. Patchefsky told me the likelihood of getting pregnant was less than 5%, and I left her office distraught, only to run into Crockett. His concern was about me, not about what I could or couldn’t give him. At that very moment, I needed to feel wanted and worthy, so I kissed him… that’s all. Nothing more.” She couldn’t ignore Ethan removing his hand from hers.

“I’m not making excuses. I was wrong and it cost me your love, trust… and possibly your friendship. But you should know it wasn’t anything you did. It was all me. I should’ve come to you about how I was feeling, since you were the one in the relationship with me. I should’ve valued us as a team more than trying to prove I was enough as is- with all my flaws, disabilities, and issues.” Ethan couldn’t sit there and let her take all the blame.

“April, it wasn’t just you. I didn’t tell you how I was feeling either. I focused on having a baby, because I DID want to give you the dream life. However, in doing so, I didn’t let you know YOU were my dream- my enough. And as is typical, I didn’t realize my error until we were apart. When I considered my life without you, it was unthinkable.”

“Thanks Ethan, but it was my fault and I AM sorry. But based upon your letter, are you sure I’m your dream? I mean I often wondered if I was a replacement for Vicki, but maybe it was Cicely.” The doctor started to explain. “No, I’m not blaming you. Having a life changing love is beautiful and you’re fortunate to have experienced something so great. However, I can’t lie, it does make me wonder. How can you be sure I’m the one you want and not the one you’re settling on?

Now to answer your questions. No, I don’t want Crockett and never did. He was simply a boost to my low self-esteem, when I felt the most inferior and inadequate. I LOVE you and want you, but I’m not sure if you shouldn’t find someone else. I know a life with you is what’ll make me happy, with or without kids. Our love made all the joy and pain worth it, but I love you enough to not be selfish.” Ethan’s willingness to own his part, while reaching to comfort her, reminded April why she loved him.

“I want the best for you Ethan. I’m just not sure I’m that person. Are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter, as I think April (nor Ethan) are really flushed out on the show.   
> We're all the result of our choices and how we were raised.   
> If we don't discuss or address those things, our future will be held captive to those very things.


	5. Findings in the Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of their confessions, understanding is gained and decisions are made. Can they be friends? Can they share their lives? Will the new things they learn change things? Would it make a difference? Or are is the END the only finding of the aftermath?
> 
> The chapter is long, but I think enjoyable.  
> And now... there's an added chapter!

The past half hour had been enlightening for Ethan. During the time he and April had been together, he didn’t know much about her… more importantly, he didn’t ask. In fairness, she didn’t know much about him because he wouldn’t tell her, but she DID ask. His unwillingness created a disconnect that permeated their relationship and now the woman he loved was unsure she was what he wanted.   
“Yes, April, I am sure.” She wasn’t convinced. “My relationship with Cicely was amazing, and I had great expectations, but that doesn’t mean I’m searching for another Cicely!” Ethan knew what he wanted to say, but it wasn’t coming out like he wanted. “God, I’m horrible at this,” he huffed in anger. 

“It’s ok, Ethan. Relax. You don’t have to talk about it.” Ethan knew that tone, but didn’t understand what it meant until today. She was ‘letting it go’- accepting he wouldn’t tell her, because he was holding back. 

“No, it’s not. Let me try again. Cice and I were great together, but what I know is, with you, I’ve experienced that same love and then some.” She smiled slightly, and he relaxed.   
“Like her, loving and being loved by you, has opened me up. But unlike her, with you I have a safe space to be vulnerable; a peaceful place to dwell; a HOME- in the fullest sense of the word. She showed me what love was, but YOU taught me how to do it… how to love. I’d never trade that for anything,” he smiled reassuringly kissing her hand.

April didn’t realize how much she needed to hear it. The fact he insisted on explaining himself, without her begging, gave her hope for their future. “Thanks for explaining, but do you really think we can get pass this?”

“Yes. Look, there ARE things we need to work through, but if we can find a way to come to each other first… be that person we run to and lean on, I KNOW we’ll be great,” he answered.

“I think so too, especially if we put in the work,” she paused. “My real question is if you think you can forgive me for kissing Crockett?” Once again Ethan withdrew from her grasp. This was her fear. “Wait. I’m not saying I think we should go back like nothing happened. But I need to know you’ll forgive me and allow me the opportunity to earn your trust again. If you can’t, there’s no need to go forward.” His expression was a combination of pain and contemplation.

“I tried to blame Crockett, but he wasn’t the problem. I blamed you, saying, I wasn’t what you wanted- but as you said today, that wasn’t true either. So, how can I just blame you? You tried to tell me my eagerness was pressuring you, yet I wasn’t listening. I got mad when you wouldn’t explain yourself, like when you told me you weren’t sure you wanted to have kids, instead of asking why you felt that way. The problems were both our faults, it just manifested in you kissing him. So, yes, I forgive you. Can you forgive me and allow me to earn your trust again?” She nodded, while tears fell from her eyes.

“Of course, I forgive you and thank you for acknowledging I didn’t get here alone. But now, I need and deserve a partner who opens up and shares his feelings with me; shows me how much I mean to him, and not just in bed, so I’m secure; a partner who isn’t disappointed if I can’t meet their standards. I’ll always give a perfect effort, but can’t guarantee I’ll be perfect and I need my partner to be ok with that.” He nodded. “What do YOU need Ethan?”

Ethan hadn’t expected her to ask. “The same. Although, I also need a partner who allows me time to open up and share, as it’s not my go to. Can you deal with that?”

“Yes,” she replied with joy in her smile, the first he’d seen that day.

“Do you have an idea of how we achieve Chexton 3.0?” he asked with a little chuckle.

“Chexton 3.0?” she giggled. “I do, but it’ll require us to go back.” Ethan’s brow furrowed. “I propose we go back to being friends.” April stilled his immediate protestation. “I’m just saying we need to get to know these new, self-aware versions of ourselves without pressure.”

“Just friends? Are we gonna date other people?” He was noticeably upset.

“Ethan, why are you upset?” He initially pushed away, but when he saw her head drop, he realized this was what she was talking about. He needed to open up. 

“I’m upset because I’m afraid it’s your way to find someone better while you’re stringing me along.” April curled her finger and motioned him to lean forward.

“Thank you for being honest. I don’t want anyone else. I want you exclusively, but I want to explore the other parts of our lives. I mean, I think we had issues because we spent 95% of our lives together and we took each other for granted. Maybe if we spent time with friends, or sharing our hobbies, we’d appreciate our time with each other. Understand?” Choi nodded in agreement. “I want us to yearn to be with each other, not out of routine, but because it’s our choice.”

“I’m with you. We’ve got to put in the effort to continuously show our love for each other, otherwise insecurities creep in… and others.”

“Exactly.” This time April pulled away. “I have one request. Can we go slow?” He was confused. “Being in your arms; feeling your lips on mine, on my body; your very touch, excites me in ways I never knew existed until I met you. But I want to KNOW, our desire to be together is a complete- mental, emotional, and physical connection. Friends, companions, and lovers… true partners. Still interested?”

Looking her squarely in her eyes, Ethan leaned in, kissed her cheek, and whispered “100%. How do you feel about pool?”

“Why,” she asked intrigued by his question.

“It was something I liked to do, but haven’t done in years. Might be a good place to start.”

“I’m free Tuesday or Wednesday.”

“Tuesday. You need a good rest before your surgery Thursday.” She blushed- he was making her the priority. “I’ll send you the info.”

Tuesday morning, April received his “good morning, thinking of you” text, and he told her to meet him at “Billiards 9” at 7. When she arrived, she found him waiting at the bar. Dark jeans, crimson shirt- she loved him in bold colors. Ethan liked her in gold, so her canary yellow top, fitted jeans, and gold hoops seemed logical.

“Hey,” he smiled, looking her up and down. She guessed he enjoyed her choices as well. “I booked a table, but didn’t know if you wanted to eat before or after.” 

“Why not eat while we play?”

“Only drinks are permitted at the tables,” he responded.

She smiled mischievously. “Huh,” she replied stepping up to the bar. “Reg!” The bartender quickly turned and waved wildly. Ethan wanted to ask, but he didn’t. “Trust me,” she said. “Hey Reg! Is Tom here?” 

“Yeah.”

“I need a favor.” When April turned, she saw he was becoming upset. “What’s wrong?” she asked confused at his reaction.

“Who’s Tom?” Ethan’s tone said he thought ‘Tom’ was a past love, but before she could explain, Tom arrived.

“Brazzi?!” the lady shouted quickly hugging April. Ethan felt stupid… a woman and friend.

“Tom! It’s good to see you. The place looks great,” April stated looking around. Then she reached for Ethan, interlocking their hands. “Tom, this is uh…,” she paused attempting to determine how to introduce him, “uh, my… Ethan. Ethan Choi, my dear friend Tomasine Fleming.” 

“Nice to meet you,” he responded shaking her hand. After a little small talk, April asked her favor.

“Tom, is it possible to get a ‘reserve’? We left the hospital and haven’t eaten all day.”

Tom asked Ethan for his table chip, and when she returned, all had been arranged. “You’ve got a reserved table on the 3rd floor. They’ll take your orders there.” The ladies hugged again and April promised to visit Tom’s grandmother soon. Tom showed them the elevator, observing their interlocked fingers. “Brazzi? You know you’re gonna have to bring him too, right?” April nodded laughing as they boarded the elevator.

“Bring me where,” he asked. 

“Huh? Oh sorry,” she stated as she tried to remove her hand. “I didn’t realize I’d done that.”

“Don’t apologize.” She smiled weakly as he firmed up his grip. “Now, what was she talking about?”

“She was telling me I have to introduce you to her grandmother, Ms. Marguerite. She’s kind of the matriarch of my old neighborhood.”

Approaching the bar, April squealed, running to hug a tall, muscular man. Ethan was experiencing all kind of feelings. “Ethan, come here!” she called reaching out for him. “I want you to meet Thomas… Tom, Tomasine’s husband.” 

“Nice to meet you.” Ethan smiled.

“Table 325, is set up for you already- you have the room to yourselves.” April was confused.

“Not one of these,” she asked pointing to the rows of tables.

“You haven’t been here since we remodeled.” April shook her head. “We built rooms, with tables and eating areas for private gatherings. Those not paying for the treatment, eat in the dining area.” 

“Wow, I’m proud of you guys.” Thomas thanked her and led them to their room.

“My wife wanted you two to enjoy yourselves,” he chuckled as he left the couple obviously enjoying the skyline water view.

“So, you ready to get beat?” Ethan asked.

“I haven’t played in a while, but I can hold my own. Rack ‘em,” she answered grabbing a stick from the wall.

As they ate, Ethan commented on her skill. She was good, better than he expected. April explained she used to play at a neighborhood pizzeria, growing up.   
“How did you get so good?” she inquired.

“In boot camp. One of the guys said it helped with marksmanship, so I tried it and loved it. It was good mental work and kept me sane when things got hard. This was one of the first places I found when I arrived in Chicago,” he shrugged. “And the food was awesome; which apparently hasn’t changed.”

After 2 games they were tied. April broke and looked like she might sweep the table, but one miss and it was all over. She watched her date clean up, realizing he’d been holding back as evident by the jumped ball bank shot. As they prepared to leave, Ethan asked about her availability on Saturday. She hated saying no, especially considering his disappointment, but she had already committed her time.

“I’m helping with a health screen drive in my old neighborhood. Many are indigent, so my mom and I coordinate a drive every 6 months.” He’d no idea she did this, even while they were together. 

“Can I help?” She was surprised at the offer. “What? I’m off.”

“I’d love it if you came. We could use more doctors.”

“Sound good. Let me know when and where,” he stated with a wink, as he walked her to her car.

Saturday went off without a hitch, and Ethan was a big hit. Though not together most of the day, they seemed to stay in each other’s sight line. April hadn’t told her family about the broken engagement, so she was mortified when her mother introduced Ethan as her soon to be son-in-law. He didn’t correct her, so she tried to see that as a good sign. Later, she found him with Ms. Marguerite and Monique. “Hey guys! Are you taking care of my GeMa- Ms. Marguerite?” 

“Tutu!” the elderly woman hollered. “Hey baby! Yes, they takin’ good good care of me,” she smiled. “And this husband of yours,” she paused winking at April, “girlie, if I was 40 years younger, I’d steal him away. You don’t find men who know the body like a doctor,” she stated suggestively amidst the group’s laughter.

“GeMa! Behave!” April glanced at Ethan bashfully. “Yes ma’am, there aren’t many like Dr. Ethan Choi,” she remarked slyly.

“No there’s not, suga,” the woman agreed staring at Ethan. “Doc, have you ever seen my Tutu dance?” Before he could respond, April jumped in. 

“No ma’am. He’s never seen me. So, how’s she doing?” she answered quickly, trying to steer the conversation in another direction.

Ms. Marguerite ignored her attempt. “Dr. Choi, you should see her dance- our little ballerina… That’s why I call her Tutu- my late husband gave her that name. Tutu, you should dance for him one day.” She smiled, walking away slowly with Monique’s help.

April handed him a water. “Thanks for entertaining her. She’s important to me and the neighborhood.” He nodded conciliatorily. “Oh, and I apologize for the ‘son-in-law’, ‘husband’ talk. I haven’t told my family about our engagement yet.” She dropped her head in shame. 

“It’s fine. I don’t mind. I mean, if we’re gonna make this about us, no one needs to know anything until we make a final decision. Yes?” She kissed his cheek, grazing the corner of his mouth.

“Yes. I agree.” She’s the only person who’s smile affected him so.

“I love you April,” he blurted uncontrollably. Initially in shock, she kissed him sweetly.

“I love you Ethan,” she grinned, “but, I don’t want to stop discovering all the things I missed about you. Is that ok?”

“I don’t want to stop either, but I promised to not hold back. I felt it and I wanted to tell you.” She nodded in understanding. “So…. Tutu?”

“I can’t believe she told you about that. She and her husband, Mr. Paul, used to encourage my dancing when I was a child, because she’d been a dancer. They even paid for my lessons when my parents couldn’t. During the summers, we’d have block parties, and they’d ask me to dance for them.” She relished the memories. “The last time I danced was for their 50th wedding anniversary. The neighborhood surprised them and I danced to their wedding song- ‘Misty’ by Ella Fitzgerald. Mr. Paul just hugged me and cried, saying I reminded him of his baby doll.” She began to tear up. “He died the following year, and I haven’t danced since. That was 7 years ago.”

Ethan comforted her. “You gave them a great gift- it still brings her joy to this day. That’s beautiful.” The rest of the day they served the community side by side.

During their weekly morning coffee, Ethan requested her company on Friday night, but he wouldn’t tell her where they were going. She wasn’t sure why they were at the auditorium, until she saw The Alvin Ailey Dance Theater was performing. “After learning how much you loved dance, I found out they’d be in town. I hope it’s ok.”  
Without hesitation, April grabbed the back of his head and kissed him passionately. “It’s more than ok,” she answered removing a tear from her cheek. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad it makes you happy. Ready?” Wiping the lipstick from his mouth, she wrapped her arm in his and they strolled into the building... into their new beginning.


	6. The Joys of Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months of dating and celibacy, April and Ethan decided it was time to take a trip. New Orleans was a new adventure for the both of them- one in which they learned even more about one another and put their new found intimacy to the test. However, as hidden truths are exposed, their trip takes a different turn, resulting in only one question. Will they end up closer than ever or irrevocably apart?
> 
> The chapter is longer than normal, but I hope it's enjoyable.  
> Thanks

“Pale pink?” Maggie asked disgusted, obviously not a fan of her choice.

“Well, I have bra sets and bodysuits, but I want some actual lingerie… in a different color,” April explained. 

“Why? It’s just a trip?” Maggie was confused. The last few hours shopping seemed less leisurely for her friend.

“We’re gonna be gone almost 10 days! I need the variety. I can’t be boring.” As her friend’s brow furrowed, April finally accepted she was nervous- her excitement and unspoken fear making her a little spastic.

Maggie wanted to help, so she made the decision for her. “Get the coral boy short set. It’ll look amazing on your skin,” April turned to her waiting for confirmation. “He won’t be able to keep his hands off you!” The held breath April released gave Maggie an idea of the importance of this trip.  
“Ok, out with it. What’s going on? You act like you’ve never been away with Ethan before?” Maggie asked as they stopped for lunch.

April bit her lip. “I know, but not like this. We haven’t been together, together, in almost 9 months. And now we’re going out of town, to New Orleans no less, for 10 days! Of course, I’m nervous.”

Now Maggie understood. “April, are you saying you and Ethan haven’t… you know, in all this time?” Embarrassment blanketed her friend’s face.

“Mags, I know it’s crazy. But since we decided to get to know the other sides of our lives, it feels like we’re new people. I’m excited when we’re together. We’ve learned so much, and we’re actually sharing everything, not just our bodies.” Maggie smiled at the joy and sheer happiness on April’s face. “But now I’m afraid the sex won’t be as good,” she explained.

She’d never seen April so unsure- not really a lack of confidence, but more like she was drowning in the anticipation. “April take a breath,” Maggie grabbed April’s hand and made her look at her. “I know it’s scary, knowing you’ll be even more connected to this man. But that’s what’s supposed to happen in a relationship. It’s what you’ve always wanted. Remember?” April nodded. “But if you go in trying to create a ‘perfect’ night, you’ll ruin it. Keep in mind, you chose to take time to SEE if you could be more than good sex to each other, and you’ve proved that. I mean, you still WANT him, right?”

“Yes girl,” April answered bashfully. “Both of us, have had to stop us from going too far. It’s been cold showers and self-care, these past 9 months,” she chuckled, remembering the difficulty of celibacy.

“Cold showers and self-care?” Maggie burst out laughing. “So, just let things flow. Let things move as you feel it and it’ll be fine. Enjoy the time with your man,” she instructed comforting her.

“Thanks Maggie. I will.” As April headed home, she let Maggie’s last words twirl through her mind- “your man” and she could only smile. 

New Orleans had been one city she always wanted to visit, but never did. What she hadn’t known it was one of Ethan’s favorite places; although according to him, the city was too laid back to live in every day. So, it seemed only right to make that their first trip, “post engagement- get to know you” phase.   
Ethan planned the trip, not sharing many details, but once she saw the driver holding the “Choi/Sexton” sign, she figured she better recalibrate her expectations. Ethan smiled at her shocked face. “I told you I had a plan,” he stated reaching for her hand. 

“So, can I know the plan or just trust you?” she asked as the door closed behind him. Ethan put his arm around her and moved so close she could feel his words dance across her lips.

“Trust me. I’ll give you some details, but others will just have to be a surprise.”

She couldn’t contain her smile. “Ok.”

After leaving the airport and passing several hotels, she wondered where they were going. “You said you were going to trust him,” she thought, so she took a deep breath, rested in her man’s arms, and a few minutes later followed him onto the elevator.

“My buddy from the Navy is stationed here.” April stood taking in the amazing loft-style apartment. The exposed brick, wood floors, as well as the large luxury kitchen with granite countertops, together looked as if it had been ripped from a magazine. “He was deployed, so I asked if we could use his place for a couple of weeks.” Ethan enjoyed April’s grinning eyes, as she toured the space slowly. One side had an office/guest room with attached bath, while the other side had a massive master suite and equally large bed. 

“You like?”

“Love it,” she answered, kissing him purposefully, only to have her growling stomach stop them from going any further. After laughing, he began her city tour with a late supper.

During dinner, Ethan regaled her with his previous experiences- Treme Indian parades, food in “little Vietnam”, jazz and dancing on Bourbon Street. The city had a heartbeat that set the pace for Ethan’s. He was more vibrant and electric here, but April noticed whenever she mentioned plans for the next day, he’d change the subject. He was hiding something. Following a relaxing walk back to the apartment, they prepared for bed. She exited the bathroom in a sexy indigo romper, expecting him to enter after her and give her time to prepare for them to share a bed. He had other plans apparently. April found the doctor walking toward her from the other bathroom, shirtless in a pair of joggers hanging loose on his hips. And as she was positive her expression showed her appreciation of him, his repetitive scanning of her expressed his.  
“You look beautiful and smell divine.” She giggled as he sniffed her neck, getting into bed. April followed, tentatively, as they stared at each other and began to kiss. 

She was enjoying his lips on hers, but his plans for the following day had her full of angst. “I gotta tell you,” she interrupted, “I’m a little nervous to meet your family tomorrow.” And instantly Ethan pulled himself out of her grasp. 

“It’s not a big deal,” he tried to assure her as he made himself comfortable on his side of the bed, “but we do need to get an early start, so why don’t we turn in?”   
April was confused by his abrupt change in behavior. He WAS hiding something and that gave her no peace. After a couple of hours, April couldn’t keep tossing and turning, and left the bed. Ethan later joined her on the balcony.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” he asked, her eyes darting quickly to him.

“Ethan, what are you hiding from me? And don’t try to tell me you aren’t. Anytime I bring up meeting your family, you change. We’ve worked so hard to get to this point, don’t ruin it now. What’s going on?” 

He took a deep breath and braced himself. “I’m taking you to meet my family… the family I chose.” April didn’t follow. “Tomorrow is the Townsend’s- Cicely’s parents, 39th Wedding Anniversary. They’re having a big family gathering and invited me to come.” Her shock terrified him. He couldn’t lose her behind this. “Ms. T invited me and asked me to bring you. They want to meet you. When you said you always wanted to visit New Orleans, and then Kent was deployed, it was like everything lined up for this to happen.” Ethan looked at her hoping for a change in expression, but nothing. “If you’re uncomfortable, we don’t have to go. I’ll go visit them and then come back to resume our vacation.” April got up slowly and went to bed without a word. She had no idea how to feel, but knew not to decide or say anything tired and in shock. He’d just have to wait for her response.

April opened her eyes slowly, as the morning light trickled in, expecting Ethan to immediately want an answer. However, she found an empty bed, a quiet apartment, and no Ethan. How could he just leave, without telling her? Why was it ok to drop a bomb and then get mad at her for thinking about it? The more she thought about it, the angrier she got. She had too much self-respect to stay and be treated like an afterthought. So, she’d shower, pack, and go home understanding this was the end.

When she emerged from the bathroom, there was Ethan- back from a run with fresh pastries and coffee. “Hey, I thought I’d pick up some breakfast,” he replied tentatively, but she just stared. As he moved closer, he could see tears streaking her face. “April, what’s wrong?” She tried to say something, but it seemed caught in her throat. “Hey, hey,” he attempted to soothe her, “Are you ok?” She clung to his arm as he sat her down on the bed.

The lady gathered herself, thoughts, and feelings, so she could be honest and clear in her words. “Ethan, I was afraid you left, because I didn’t give you an answer last night and that pissed me off.” His countenance fell at her admission. “But then you were here,” she stated beginning to sob lightly, “You’d thought about me and got us food and coffee. You didn’t leave me!” 

“No, never. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you I was stepping out,” he apologized.

“Don’t. I overreacted. I guess I’m scared because we’re here to see Cicely’s family and I’m not sure how I’ll fit in.”

“Well, I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. But I didn’t bring you here just to meet them. I wanted to take you somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. And if you don’t want to meet them, it’s fine. I’ll have a quick visit and then we can enjoy the rest of our trip.” 

April knew what she wanted to do. “Look, I’m not going to lie and say I’m excited to meet them, but I am happy you want to share this part of your life with me. And if it’s important to you for me to meet them, then I will.” Ethan’s dimpled smile was on full display. “Just don’t leave me alone, ok? I’m not sure I’ll be ready to be on my own with the family of the woman my man loved.” She chuckled at how absurd that sounded, but Ethan knew what she meant.

“My family. And I won’t leave you alone… ever. Trust me, they’ll love you and I think you’ll like them too.” She nodded and pulled out a different outfit, now she wasn’t leaving New Orleans.

The music, dancing, and laughter echoing through the air, made her feel like she was walking into a festival not a barbeque. Although, it would’ve been more elaborate, she saw what Ethan meant about the similarities between the Townsends and the Sextons. April could feel the love and comradery. Elders held in high esteem, while kids chased each other, and little toddlers experiencing their first steps without help. It was picturesque, yet familiar, and for the first time today, April felt like Ethan may have been right- she may like them after all.  
“Choi!” the voice reverberated above the music and stopped them in their tracks. The couple turned to see an older swanky couple moving their way. The man was elegant and dapper, in a pair of linen pants and crisp white button down. The woman, a Harlem Renaissance type beauty with a bohemian sass, was reminiscent of the women in her own family. Cicely looked just like her mother. 

“Mr. T!” Ethan shouted, leading April toward them. “Ms. T!” They were all so thrilled to see each other. April took a breath remembering, she’d never met a stranger and she wouldn’t today. So, April straightened her back and smiled securely in who she was. 

“Ethan,” the woman spoke with love as she embraced him firmly. The way he ‘rested’ in her arms was something she hadn’t seen him do with anyone but her. It was nice. Suddenly, April looked down to see the cutest baby boy, wanting to be picked up. His wide grin and deep dimples made her think of what her and Ethan’s son would’ve looked like. Turning with the toddler on her hip, she realized Ethan had begun their introductions.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. He grabbed me, and I couldn’t help it. Hi, I’m April. April Sexton.” She extended her hand to Mr. Townsend first, who greeted her warmly with a smile and nod. But Ms. T’s embrace, made her feel welcomed.

“Oh, my dear, you’re beautiful! I’m so glad you came. I know it may be awkward, but I had to meet the woman who’d made my boy so happy.” She smiled, pinching Ethan’s cheeks. 

“Well, thank you for inviting me. I feel privileged to meet his extended family. You all mean a great deal to him.” After some small talk, the little one’s mother came to retrieve her bundle, and Ms. T began introducing April to the rest of Ethan’s family.

During the ride back, resting and lightly scratching his chest, April reflected on the wonders of the day. She had met Ethan’s extended family, Cicely’s family, and felt like she was home. They were gracious and welcoming, and all apparently thrilled Ethan had found someone to love… and someone to love him. She smiled remembering Mr. Townsend’s gratitude, when he told her he knew now his Cicely could rest in peace, because Ethan had found love again. And Mrs. Townsend hugging her tightly, thanking her for helping Ethan grow past his hurt and living again, made her heart burst with pride. Their willingness to love each other, and work to grow together and stronger, had changed their lives for the better- and it was visible. As the day went on, April felt more and more like a welcomed relative, and not a complete stranger, but when Cicely’s grandmother (the one who adored Ethan and his dimples) hugged her and said she was happy to have another beautiful granddaughter, April couldn’t help but cry. When she had met Ethan’s parents a couple of months ago, she left feeling like a visitor. But today, when they left the Townsend’s party, she was family- Ethan’s family, and that just felt right.  
“So…?” Ethan asked as they laid facing each other in bed.

“I can see why you love them.” He just smiled nodding.

“They kind of pull you in, right? I told you, they’re a lot like your family,” he chuckled.

Giggling she had to agree. “I thought that too. When Mr. and Mrs. T, thanked me for loving you and helping you live again,” she replied as she pulled his hand to her chest. “I really felt accepted. But when Cicely’s grandmother told me she was happy to have another beautiful granddaughter, I felt like family. All I could do was cry.” Ethan stared at her with a gleam in his eye. “Are you happy?” she asked.

Shaking his head, he paused to compose himself. “Honestly, today, was so great. I got to introduce the woman I love to the family I loved, and they loved you too. What else can I ask for?”

“I could think of a couple of things,” she smirked, “but I’m too tired to do any of them,” she giggled. “I’m not even going to ask what you’ve got planned for the rest of the trip, but one thing you have to add now- GiGi says she better see me again before we leave.” Kissing him passionately, April rolled with his arm draped over her and fell asleep curved into his body.

The feel of her backside rubbing against him, abruptly aroused Ethan awake and elsewhere. They hadn’t made love in months and having her beside him was making going slow hard. He’d messed up the possibility their first night, but now, after such a peaceful sleep, his urges weren’t dormant anymore. His lady love seemed to respond as he trailed his hands down her thighs and kissed her neck. The gentle sleepy moans aroused him more, but she was still sleep. However, when she pushed back into him and his body responded, her eyes popped open, realizing it hadn’t been a dream. Engulfed in passionate kisses and caresses, the couple allowed themselves to go wherever the mood took them… until he grazed her breast. Once he grazed her breast and began to inch up her nightie, April hesitated. She was enjoying it, but her nervous energy got the best of her and Ethan noticed.  
“Please don’t stop. I’m sorry. It’s been so long and I’m a little nervous,” she tried to explain. She didn’t want him to misunderstand- this wasn’t about him. She’s the one with the issues.

“Look I want you, obviously,” alluding to his noticeable aroused state, “but we have time. I don’t want you nervous or scared. And I don’t want you doing it because you know it’s what I want.” He lifted her chin for eye contact. “I want it to be your choice. Your decision- not influenced by anything but your feelings for me. And if that happens while we’re here, then so be it. If not, I’ll still be in love with you. Got it?” She nodded relieved, but definitely in need of a cold shower.

The next few days in New Orleans was planned perfectly. Ethan had taken her to the Treme- the oldest African-American neighborhood in the country, and it didn’t disappoint. They went to local museums, where she was introduced to the Mardi Gras Indians and traditions; the House Museum honoring New Orleans Free People of Color; and music and dancing at Congo Square in Armstrong Park. And the piece of resistance, a tour of St. Augustine Catholic church- the oldest African American parish in the country, after a quick lunch at Willie Mae’s Scotch house. The days had been magical, yet the nights had been pretty tame. However, according to Dr. Choi, the fun wasn’t over. On Wednesday, after a tour of “little Vietnam”, his instructions were clear. She was allowed a small rejuvenating nap, but then needed to get dressed for dinner and dancing. Dinner at Dooky’s Chase restaurant had been phenomenal, but April needed to work off the decadent calories. Ethan smiled at her suggestion, as they headed to Café Brasil for salsa dancing. It was another thing April never knew- Ethan could salsa! His lithe frame moved with ease and kept in step with his partner. April was happier than she had been in a very long time, but when the music slowed, she felt something else. Although her bond with Ethan was still there, she’d been pushing down her lustful feelings, wanting them to concentrate on true intimacy. However, as their bodies were pressed against each other, April couldn’t fight her urges any longer, and kissed Ethan passionately. When he initially didn’t respond, she thought she may have misread the situation, but when he deepened the kiss and stroked her butt, the fire was fanned. Their reunion was so consuming, they were forgetting where they were. But when her leg grazed the top of his hip, Ethan froze and dragged her from the club. “Ethan,” she questioned trying to keep up with his swift pace, “is everything ok? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry, I got carried away.” As she apologized, Ethan stopped abruptly to face her.

“Carried away?” April was confused by his question. “Do you regret what happened in there?” he inquired.

“No, I don’t. I thought you may have?”

Pulling her into him, Ethan whispered “I only regret we’re so far from the apartment.” A sly smirk crossed his lips and the butterflies began to dance again in her stomach. Stolen kisses, sweet caresses, and a little dirty talk, may have fanned the smoldering flames, but crossing the threshold was like adding gasoline. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Desperate kisses, eager touches, all exploded over them.

The trickling drops from the shower rained on her as she fondly remembered how Ethan showered his love on her. She thought it would feel differently, because it’d been so long, but it was better because of the intimacy. She remembered how his eyes worshipped her body, when he gently unbuttoned her dress and allowed it to fall to the ground. The electrical surges she felt when his mouth kissed and nibbled her body, while his fingers manipulated every cavern known only to him, made April feel like she was rushing down from the top of a rollercoaster. Ethan had learned about her and her insecurities and adored her in a way that gave her confidence in his love for her. He loved her completely and she wanted him to know how much she loved him. She returned the adoration, as he was stripped of clothing, and draped in her licks and kisses. April tasted her doctor with a new appreciation, like the second time tasting a brand of wine- only this time it was allowed to breathe before she drank it. And that they did. They drank so much of each other that all they tasted in their kisses was their new wine. Their limbs and breath were so Intertwined and entangled, their reflection no longer showed 2 individuals, but rather 1 love. A love more intense and profoundly experienced than ever before. It was like her flower bloomed as he entered her garden, and only wanted to blossom more as he spread his seed. She opened up and he poured himself out, creating an oasis both could dwell and find refuge in. They were now each other’s safe place, in every way, no longer 2, but truly 1. Memories of their night, and morning, had April entranced, so much so she didn’t notice the fingers gliding across her hip. It took her a minute to realize the fingers weren’t hers, but her other half’s- her quiet warrior. “Ummm, can I help you soldier?” she asked turning to face him.

“No ma’am. Just checking to see if you needed any help,” his lascivious grin sent a chill down her back… and up her thighs. “I have more planned for our trip.”

“Don’t you worry about me officer. I’ll be ready for anything you throw at me,” she answered cheekily leaving the shower dripping wet. “The question is,” she started peeking over her shoulder, “whether or not you’re ready for what I’ll throw at you.” And with that she removed her towel and threw it at him, while she slow dragged her glistening body to the bed.

The remaining days of their trip didn’t permit them much sun. One day it rained non-stop outside… and inside the apartment. Plans for other days were shortened for more time inside. It was like the dam had been broken and all they hungered for was each other. Their skin; their smell; their taste; their unrestrained moans and joyous climaxes- they wanted it all! The relationship they always thought they had, was finally alive and well and Ethan and April planned to enjoy every breath of their new life together. Their last afternoon in town, they had to go out, as GiGi wanted to spend some time with them before they left. The fried chicken, potato salad, cabbage, and homemade cornbread, set their mouths to water. Ms. GiGi had grown up in the south, but her husband had the creole blood- so the meal was a soul food dream. It reminded April of when Ms. Marguerite would could cook for them. The Townsends joined them and April got to know her new family better, amidst the laughter and jokes. However, after a few hours, their joy would come to an end- she and Ethan had to get back to prepare to leave. While Ethan said his final good-byes to the Townsends, April shared her last good-bye with GiGi. “Oh, I love you April,” the older woman said as she hugged her tightly.

“I love you too GiGi,” but before April could step away, GiGi whispered something in her ear. April’s face fell into a melancholy somberness, but before she could give her rebuttal,   
GiGi cut her off. 

“Just remember what I said,” she instructed as she shewed April on her way.

That night, April made love to him like she was clawing at some unknown barrier, trying to make them even closer. The desperation was unusual, but it revealed a vulnerability Ethan hadn’t been privy to before, even since being in New Orleans. She was breaking down walls he hadn’t known was there, and it excited him for what could be. But when they were boarding, Ethan didn’t see the joy he had the previous night. April’s face was almost sad. “Hey, you ok?” He asked as they sat down.

“Huh? Oh yeah,” she paused. “It’s just that GiGi reminded me of my grandmother- my father’s mom, Nona. She died right before we moved to the states. I didn’t have grandmothers growing up, but with Ms. Marguerite and now, GiGi, I’m just grateful.” She smiled and gently pecked his lips. “Maybe next year we can come back,” she suggested.

“Maybe,” he answered happily, knowing she saw them as he did- with a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with getting this chapter right, so please let me know your feedback.


	7. The Life They Now Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April and Ethan’s life after their time in New Orleans was eventful and life changing. But how?
> 
> I enjoyed writing this fiction and hope you enjoy it equally.

He was anticipating what the night would hold, when she suddenly stopped short of opening her door. “Something wrong?” he asked tentatively. In response April slowly turned around, scraping her body against his, to face him and revel in his slacked jaw and rolling back eyes.

“Not at all. I was just thinking…” she answered, lusciously rewinding visions in her mind, “thinking about how adept your fingers are… how skilled at getting in tight spaces…,” she giggled softly. “I’m glad you were on my team. I never win at Jenga,” she replied breathlessly.

“Glad I could impress.”

“Oh, you impressed alright,” April stated wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing herself against him. “So much so, you deserve a special treat,” she grinned hungry, “follow me!” All night April and Ethan had been the blissfully happy couple. Earlier at Maggie and Ben’s home, they had enjoyed a couple game night with their hosts, along with Connor and his wife Lisa. It was fun competing together instead of against each other. It seemed the team work stimulated her desire for some “other” team exercise. When she opened the door from the steps, Ethan was greeted with a breathtaking scene. The rooftop deck was decorated with candle lanterns, string lights, large leafed foliage, chaise loungers, and jasmine flower plants- greatly reminiscent of their New Orleans trip. April noticed the look of surprise on Ethan’s face as he took it all in. “Uhhh,” she hesitated. “This is the last thing I need to share with you,” she began as he sat down to listen. “When I moved back into my place, I found out my neighbor was moving out. And where my apartment had the basement bonus room of the building, she had the rooftop bonus area. So, I made an arrangement with the building owner, refinanced, and bought the space from him.” Ethan nodded in understanding. “So now, I have the largest space in the building and all the private bonus spaces, including this private rooftop deck,” she explained as she placed her hands on his knees and seductively leaned over him. “And since we’re alone in the privacy of my own home,” she slowed straddling him, “I’m feeling here is where you should get your reward for your earlier victory.”

“My victory? You deserve a reward too,” he suggested firmly grabbing her hips.

“Oh, I’ll get mine, don’t you worry,” she giggled as she kissed him passionately and he exposed her camisole.

“Dr. Rhodes says the patient can go to recovery,” Nurse Sexton informed the floor nurse and watched her do as bid. However, as April began to leave the nurses station, the world began to spin. When she opened her eyes, her coworkers were hovering around her fallen body. “What happened?”

Connor’s brows furrowed. “You tell me. Have you not been feeling well lately?”

“Not really. I’ve been having a few headaches this week, but I just figured it was my constant flip-flopping on medical school. I guess I’m just stressed out.” Everyone agreed that could be the issue, but Connor didn’t want to leave any stone unturned, especially when April dropped like a rock immediately upon getting to her feet. This time when she woke, 30 minutes later, she was lying in a hospital bed with an IV and oxygen.

“Take it easy April,” Connor instructed. “Stop moving! We need to find out what’s going on.” Her pressure had apparently dipped and her breathing was shallow, so they treated her for exhaustion while they figured it out. “We’re running some tests and we’ll go from there, ok?”

“Thanks,” she answered. “Did anyone tell Ethan I passed out?”

“Uh, I’m not sure. I did have them call Maggie, so I’m assuming she told him.” April nodded in a huff, resting her eyes.

“Gosh, I don’t want him distracted needlessly.” It’d been 4 months since their trip to New Orleans and nothing had slowed down. Every moment together gave them an opportunity to strengthen and build their relationship. They weren’t without disagreements, or full on arguments, but they weren’t allowing them to fester. She and Ethan were a team- wanting the most complete life for each other. They loved each other for what they were, and rejoiced with each other when they grew. When she told Ethan, she was considering going to medical school, he was supportive. He was super excited and proud of her, finally living her dream. And even though he hadn’t proposed again, they always made plans accounting for a future life together. Ethan never made her feel like she was ruining or hindering his life, if she opted for medical school instead of kids. He seemed to understand medical school was the last vestige of the life she’d dreamed of and thought she’d never have. 

Dr. Rhodes’s face was impassive, which worried April. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Let me do one thing and then we’ll go through your results.” Connor sprayed gel on her stomach and ran the wand over her belly. “There,” he pointed, pulling her view and dropping her jaw. “April, you’re pregnant.” Her jaw dropped in disbelief.

“I can’t be. I’m in early onset menopause.”

He chuckled softly. “Well, besides the little baby on the screen, your levels say you’re pregnant too.” She didn’t know how to feel or what to think, actually she couldn’t get her mind to stop racing- to formulate a single thought. What was she going to tell Ethan? Were they ready for this? What about medical school? How would Ethan take a baby? As the panic set in, she immediately remembered GiGi’s words.   
'Enjoy the journey and trust your love. It’ll produce magnificent things, including my great-grandbaby.' April had tried to tell her it couldn’t be, but GiGi stopped her.   
'Don’t stress, it’s bad for the baby. Now go. See you next year.'   
Considering GiGi’s instructions, April laid her hand protectively across her stomach, taking deep breaths to relax.

Ethan arrived after the multiple car crash victims were stable. “Are you ok? What happened?” he asked terrified looking around at Connor and April. Before they could speak, he heard a thumping sound in his ears. “What’s that sound?” He turned to his partner, thinking she was having a cardiac episode, as the heartbeat was way too fast. “Connor, her heartbeat’s too fast. What’s going on?”

April and Connor looked at him with stern faces, but Connor broke into a large smile. “No, HER heart is fine. I’ll let her tell you what’s happening. HIPAA laws you know,” Rhodes stated leaving the room. 

“April, tell me. What’s going on?” April could tell Ethan was getting nervous, his hand trembled in hers. She placed her hand on his cheek to calm him down.

“I’m fine Ethan. Uh… I think you should sit down.” His eyes seemed to become more fearful, so she thought blurting it out will do. “I’m pregnant.” 

“What? Uh, how? I thought…” Ethan’s thoughts were apparently racing too.

“I don’t know, but Dr. Patchevsky confirmed. She’s set up an appointment for me in a couple of days, but based on her view of my ultrasound, she estimates I’m around 16 weeks.”

“16 weeks? Four months?” and then it dawned on him. “New Orleans?” She nodded remembering the beginning of their new life. Thrilled at the idea of being a family, Ethan decided not to wait any longer. “I’ve been trying to find the right time to do this,” he began as he pulled the box from his pocket, “but it seems the right time is now.” April’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. “April Layton Sexton, I love you. Whether you’re making me happy or sad, or even mad, I love you. I’m better with you by my side. You’re the partner I chose, and the partner I need. You make my life full and fulfilled. So, will you do me the honor of being my wife?”

Tears ran down her cheeks, but her smile spread from ear to ear. “Yes,” she answered softly, remembering the ring that used to be on her finger. But when he opened the box, the ring was different. The diamond had been exchanged for a large cushioned sapphire. 

Ethan answered her unspoken question, as he slipped the ring on her finger. “Something different for our new beginning.” 

“I guess I got my answer,” April answered a question Ethan didn’t know he needed to ask. “Glad I didn’t take my MCAT, as I’m going to pre-school instead of medical school,” she joked.

He laughed in agreement. “So, do we know if it’s a boy or girl?”

“Not yet love, but if GiGi is right, it’s a girl,” She responded. April proceeded to tell Ethan about their grandmother’s declaration and how she’d forgotten about it until then. Gently he kissed her forehead and they began to plan the beginning of their new family.

[Eight months later…]

The curly haired bundle cooed as it strained to discover the sounds and colors all around. The color kaleidoscope of balloons and streamers, along with the second-line high stepping jazz, were so different from their home in Chicago. April twirled slowly to reveal the southern wonders and the grafted branch of their additional family tree.   
“Chois!” she heard Mr. T shout. His pace could’ve almost been a run, if Mrs. T would’ve let him drag her along. Ethan greeted him warmly with a hug and a kiss to Mrs. Townsend’s cheek. However, they didn’t seem to linger long as they saw April strolling over with their baby strapped to her chest.

“Oh my gosh,” Mrs. T gushed, “she’s so beautiful!” The baby looked up and smiled wide as Mrs. T lifted her out of her harness. “April, she looks just like you.” Mr. T just stood by and ogled the baby, tickled at her grip on his finger.

“I think so too,” Ethan conceded.

“Well son, you better get your pistol ready- you’re gonna need it,” Mr. Townsend asserted as the men chuckled.

Before Mrs. T could return the baby to her mom, the one who foretold her arrival shuffled over. “Hey now! Give me that baby,” GiGi demanded as her daughter passed her on. As she held the little girl, GiGi gazed upon April and smiled. “Told you.”

April nodded smiling with enormous gratitude. “You did.” She recounted for GiGi how she discovered she was pregnant, and even how her instructions to not stress was an immediate answer to her confusion at the news. “How did you know?” April inquired.

GiGi just laughed heartily, with which the baby joined in. “Well, there are some advantages to being old.” And with that, GiGi continued to bounce and tickle the baby girl, while she chastised Ethan and April about eloping. “Lisbeth, did you know about this?!” GiGi questioned Mrs. Townsend.

“Ma, Ethan called and told me they had a little service a couple of months after they found out.”

“But when I called to tell you I was pregnant,” April interrupted, “we hadn’t made any plans yet. If we had, I would’ve told you.”

“Kiss up!” Mrs. T shouted as the group laughed loudly. April hugged her mother-in-love and assured her she was just trying to stay on GiGi’s good side, to which Lisbeth told her was a good idea.

Before they blessed the food, Lisbeth stood before the crown with Ethan and April. “Since last year,” she began as the Choi name rang out as a chant among the members. “Yeah, yeah,” she acknowledged calming them down again, “but April is officially a Choi now,” and the crowd applauded cheerfully. “However, today we welcome the newest edition to our family,” Mrs. Townsend declared as she grabbed the baby from GiGi. “Nola Gabriella Choi”. Once again, the family rejoiced, while GiGi looked frozen in place. 

“You named her after me?“ she asked April.

“Well considering we never thought we’d be able to have her,” April started, “it seemed only fitting to name her for the one who heralded her coming,” Ethan replied finishing April’s sentence. GiGi wiped he tears and kissed her grandchildren, before hogging Nola again.

As the day went on, Ethan’s mind wandered, finally appreciating how the family of his lost love helped him heal his old life, so he could have his new one. “Babe, you ok?” April asked while rocking their daughter.  
“Yeah. Just taking time to give thanks for my greatest blessing… You.” She smiled and with a gentle kiss, he and his family enjoyed the life they now live.

The END.

**Author's Note:**

> Since the season ended abruptly due to the pandemic, I considered where our favorite couple could go.  
> I thought about some aspects that hadn't been explored in Ethan's life and how they affected his relationships.  
> Its just one way they could decide to change their lives.  
> I hope you enjoy and please feel free to comment- the feedback is greatly appreciated.


End file.
